My Opinion (for what it’s worth)

By Johnie Nall

What chaps your hide? What are those meddlesome things that just down right piss you off?
I am probably one of the coolest dudes on the planet as long as things don’t go to hell in a hand basket immediately upon the arrival at my destination. I wrote an article a while back concerning what my pet peeves are. This has absolutely no bearing on that since pet peeves do not even hold a candle to things that actually chap my hide. Let me enlighten you as to exactly what I am talking about so we can compare notes over a cool bottle of suds.
A couple of days ago I decided to stop into (name deleted) on the way to work in the am and grab a couple of buttermilk bars. When I walked in, there were 27 (name deleted) employees standing around their check stands with cobwebs growing on their feet, and not one shopper to be seen. As I scurried down the aisle to the bakery, I was blocked into an aisle with a little old lady wearing yellow spandex pants, pink tennis shoes and a lime green jacket with sequins that sparkled under the dim lights. This lady had 3 items in her cart and was reading the ingredients list on a can of prunes. I noticed this lady was not only pushing her shopping cart, but also was utilizing a walker to help her on her journey. Deciding not to be rude and squeeze my way past her, I decided to make a U-turn and go around the long way to the bakery department where my buttermilk bars were waiting for my taste buds to envelope them. So here I was, zipping merrily along to the plexiglass case where a gajillion tasty treats were waiting. Swish! I opened the door, grabbed a tissue and quickly latched on to two delicious warm buttermilk bars which I dropped into my plastic bag before making the trek to the front counter.
Within a wink of an eye, I arrived at the front aisle of the store where I noticed only one glimmering “open” light shining over one check stand. The 27 Safeway (oops) employees had made a complete disappearance from the scene and the only person left was stacking Twinkies on a shelf across the aisle. When I rounded the last turn, heading into the homestretch toward the check stand, I heard a commotion behind me, and turned my head just in time to see a flash of yellow, pink and lime green pass me so fast I thought my feet had fallen off. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Here she was, the elderly lady pushing her cart, sliding her walker and passing me as though I was running in deep mud and she had wings on her Keds. Just five minutes ago, she was reading a prune can in aisle 4, and now she was in front of me with a basket loaded so heavy that the sidewalls of the wheels were leaving black streaks on the floor.
I can not count the number of times I have been in line at a grocery store and asked someone with a couple of items if they would like to go ahead of me since i had a few more items and wanted to be a courteous shopper. I figured someday this would happen to me and I would be asked if I wanted to go ahead. HA!! I may as well have been invisible. This lady not only decided to go ahead with her purchases but decided to check each item off her list as she laid them on the belt! So picture this scenario:

Checker: “And how are you today, Agnes?”

Agnes: “I am doing okay except for the tumor on my foot that almost makes it impossible for me to walk. (Walk maybe, but it sure as hell doesn’t slow down her 500 yard dash).

Checker: “Gee, Agnes, I am sorry to hear that.”

Agnes: “When you reach my age, you are happy to just draw a breath. Oh by the way, were those eight ounce prunes? I wanted the eight ounce prunes that are on sale.

Checker: “No, those are the ten ounce prunes and they aren’t on sale. Would you like for me to call a box boy to exchange them?”

Agnes: “Yes please, I know the eight ounce are four cents cheaper.”

Checker: “Do you want to exchange all 40 cans?”

Agnes: “Yes please, that will save me $1.60”

Checker into microphone: “Bruce, please come to checkstand 71 for a product exchange.”
(InterOffice phone rings) “Yes, Bruce, I need you at checkstand 71. You can finish your break after you exchange these 40 cans of prunes… yes, 40 cans.”
“Bruce, your shift started at 6am and it’s now 6:30am, why are you on break? Sorry Bruce I am ordering you to checkstand 71 NOW!”

Me: “Is there any chance you could call for another checker? I am going to be late for work.”

Checker: “No, I am the only checker on duty, sorry.”

Me: “What about Bruce? I will gladly pay the $1.60 for the ladies prunes if Bruce can check me out before my buttermilk bars grow mold.”

Checker: (with a miffed look) “Bruce is a box boy, not a checker. He is not qualified to check groceries.”

Me: “Trained? Qualified? A trained monkey could slide the crap across the scanner and put it in a bag so all the soft stuff is squashed in the bottom.”

Checker: “Sir, Bruce is not a trained monkey, he is a box boy.”

Me: “Hey lady, let me make you a deal. I will pay the $1.60 for the deluxe prunes and give you $5 to pay for these doughnuts if you let me check them with your stuff.”

Agnes: “I can’t have doughnuts, I’m diabetic. But I will take you up on the deluxe prunes purchase.”

Me: “Never mind, I’ll wait my turn.”

Checker: “Agnes, that will be $3908.98.”

Agnes: “Did you subtract the $1.60 the nice gentleman behind me agreed to pay?”

Checker: “Sorry, that will be $3907.38 Agnes. Do you have any coupons?”

Agnes: “Yes, I do” (opens a manila envelope with no less than 57 reams of coupons stacked neatly, but not organized by store so she has to sift through each one for Safeway).
Guess what happens next. Yup, she takes out her checkbook and starts scribbling the date on a blank check.

Next to Agnes, here are a couple of things that really piss me off and I bet it does you too, but you probably won’t admit it.

- People that pull into a lane at a gas station and block the pumps on both sides by parking in the middle of the lane and stretching the hose to reach the filler. They’ll buy two gallons of gas and wash every window on the car. They’ll empty their trash bag and ash trays, check every fluid level that has a cap, dipstick, orifice or hose. They’ll wash the headlights and tail lights, mirrors, and license plate light, remove the nozzle from the filler and shake it to get the last drop before hanging it up. Then they put the cap back on the filler, using the exact number of turns, wipe off the drip from the fender below the filler which makes a streak so they get the wet squeegee and wash the entire fender.

- How about the person that pulls out in front of you even though there is no car behind you, and slows to a crawl? They couldn’t wait until you passed, they have to be in front of you so they can drive 17 miles per hour and look at a Thomas guide on a 50mph roadway?

- Ever been behind a line of cars at a three second left turn signal? After 6 changes there is only one car ahead of you. This is a sure bet that you are going to make the next light. Nope, just as the light flashes yellow on the side traffic, the person ahead of you decides to look in their glove box just as the light turns green. Just as the light gets ready to turn red again, she floors it and slides through, leaving you in front of a guy with red eyes and green teeth glaring at you through your rearview mirror and mouthing the words, YOU’RE DEAD!

- You’re at a drive up window at the bank, there’s one car ahead of you and it’s 5:50pm. The person ahead tries to cram 300 receipts into one of those plastic air tubes. Slam! The other window closes. A voice comes over the intercom, “Sorry this will be our last customer, please return tomorrow. Sorry if this is an inconvenience to you.”

If life is a test, I probably failed.